ParentLine
Dear ParentLine:
When should I have the “birds and bees” talk with my child and what should I say?
Signed, Mrs. J. in Hopkinton, NH
Don’t wait until your child is a teenager to have one marathon ‘big talk’ about sex! If you wait for just the right time, or when you feel more comfortable broaching the topic, you will miss teachable moments along the way, and before you know, it really will be too late. On the subject of sex, good education is the best protection. Start now, no matter what your child’s age!
Experts agree that sex education must start when a child is very young. Discussions about sex should be an unfolding process that parallels your child’s capacity to understand the topic. In the same way you help your child learn to walk, talk, read and write - a little bit at a time and as they show readiness - a carefully built foundation in sex education will provide a child with the knowledge they can draw upon later in life to help them make safe and healthy decisions. Research supports this suggestion.
A national survey conducted by the Kaiser Family Foundation and Children Now found that children whose parents are more open in their discussions about sex and sexuality are less likely to become sexually active at a young age. Children who are comfortable in coming to their parents for factual information are less likely to look for answers through their own experiences.
Guidelines for talking with your children about sex include:
- Explore your own attitudes.
- Take the initiative.
- Be specific.
- Talk in age-appropriate terms.
- Talk about values.
- Talk to your child of the opposite sex.
- Relax.
(from the Kaiser Family Foundation and Children Now.)
An easy way to begin the process is to observe your young child’s boundless curiosity. Everything in their world awaits exploration and you are their tour guide! What an awesome, huge and wonderful responsibility. The way you, as the parent, respond to your child’s curiosity - especially with regard to their sexual curiosity - will influence your child’s attitudes about sex as your child matures. By answering questions as they arise, parents can help foster their child’s healthy feelings about sex; that sex is an acceptable topic of conversation, and that you are available to help them grow in their understanding and education about sex. So, how do you answer ‘those’ questions?
Even if you don’t have an answer to your child’s question, the important thing for you to do is to respond. It’s OK to say, “I don’t know the answer to your question, but I promise I will find an answer so I can tell you.” Or, if the question is a difficult one for you to answer for an emotional or personal reason, you might say, “That is a very private question, but thank you for asking me. It will take me some time to find a very good answer for you, but I promise I will give you an answer.”
Gear your answers to your child’s questions according to their developmental phase. One way to think of this is to provide answers with as many words as used to ask the question. This will help you avoid a long lecture and means simple advice for very young children.
Teaching correct anatomical names for body parts is important from the time the child can say the words. A penis and a vagina should be thought of as equal to an eye or a nose. This will help the child communicate about sex in a direct manner and without embarrassment. A Gallup poll showed that 67% of parents use actual names to refer to female and male body parts in educating their children about sex.
The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends that before children reach their early teens, they should know:
- The names and functions of male and female sex organs.
- What happens during puberty and understand that those changes signify moving into young womanhood or young manhood.
- The nature and purpose of the menstrual cycle.
- What sexual intercourse is and how females become pregnant.
From: The Mayo Clinic (www.mayoclinic.com) ‘Discussing birds and bees: Start when your kids are very young’.
When your child enters school, family life or sex education are part of the regular curriculum; most often as part of health education. It is important for you to check with the school to find out what materials are being used and the framework the school uses to teach sex education. By communicating with the school, you can find out what your child is learning and when they are learning it.
According to the AAP, when your child becomes a teenager, the focus of your talks about sex should shift toward emotional and social aspects of sex and to personal values. It is important to discuss sexually transmitted diseases and contraception frankly. It is also important for your child to understand your feelings and values as she or he works to form their own. Even if you think your beliefs and values are old-fashioned, it is important for you to share them with your child.
If talking about sex with your teenager makes you uncomfortable – and many parents do find this to be an uncomfortable experience – say so. It’s OK to tell your child that talking about sex isn’t easy for you but that you think it is important for her or him to get the information from you! Though this is one of the most difficult areas of education with which you can help your child, beyond the reward of their safe and healthy sexual choices, your willingness to confront the subject of sex openly with your children may mean the difference between their life and death. Talk to them about sex. Start now.
Here are a few websites that might help you in communicating with your child about this topic:
Helpful books:
The Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book for Girls. Valorie Lee Schaefer, American Girl Library.
Ten Talks Parents Must Have with Their Children about Sex and Character. Pepper Schwarts, PhD, & Dominic Cappello, Hyperion, NY.
The Trouble with Boys: A Wise and Sympathetic Guide to the Risky Business of Raising Sons. Angela Phillips, Basic Books.
ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families. Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486; write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.
