ParentLine

 

Dear ParentLine:

We are a blended family and we are spreading the love around.  I have two sons ages 10 and 13, and my husband has a son and a daughter, ages 8 and 10.  The questions are coming up, “Do you love me as much as your own kids?”  “How come we never had these chores before and now we do?”  “Why do I have to have my new brothers tag along?”  “That used to be my room…why do they get to share my space/stuff?”  They are each feeling a bit of encroachment on their territories and wondering if they are being treated fairly and loved equally.  Can you help us BLEND better? 

Signed, New Step-Family in Southern NH.

 

Blending families, as in “his-mine-and-ours,” isn’t the same as “blending” a boxed cake mix. Your notion about “blend better” may become clearer if we shine some light on that Brady Bunch stuff.  Let’s get right to the myths about blended families.  In a great article titled, “Blended Families/Stepfamilies,” authors Jaelline Jaffe, Jeanne Segal, and Sheila Hutman (www.helpguide.org) suggest the following ideas may need a reality check:

  • Love occurs instantly between a stepchild and stepparent.
  • Children of divorce and remarriage are damaged forever.
  • Stepmothers or stepfathers are wicked.
  • Adjustment to stepfamily life occurs quickly.
  • Children adjust to divorce and remarriage more easily if biological parents withdraw.
  • Stepfamilies that are formed after a parent dies are easier.
  • Part-time stepfamilies are easier.
  • There’s only one kind of family.

 

Try to remember that the strength of your new family is built upon the strength in the relationship you and your new husband build between yourselves first.  Besides a lot of love, flexibility and a sense of humor, good communication between parents is needed.  As a couple, you must be healthy enough in your relationship to tolerate differences in parenting.  Most likely, you’ll have to work not to label things ‘right or wrong’ that your partner may do with his or her children.  Try not to step in when the other parent is doing something that you think is ‘wrong.’  Instead, be able to ask your spouse, “What do you need me to do in this situation?” 

When the kids aren’t around (good luck with four of them!) the two of you need to have conversations about “How do we handle this?” and stay with the dialog until you reach a plan of action upon which you both agree.  When there is a disagreement over issues with the kids as there inevitably will be, these disagreements must take place away from the children.  United you stand, divided, you fall.

The experts from the article mentioned above offer the following points from stepparents who have gone through the transition period like the one you describe.  Here’s and excerpt of what they have to say:

  • Remember that each child is unique and represents a different kind of challenge.
  • Help all of the children in your stepfamily adjust to the many changes they face, from new home to new people.
  • Don’t take rejection by one of your stepchildren personally.  Think of it as his reaction to a situation he doesn’t like.  Don’t give up.  Be present for the child, let him know you care for him and treat him kindly.
  • Find a way for each child to express his feelings about the remarriage and the new family.  Be available if they’re willing to talk with you.  Or suggest that they talk with other family members.  Offer counseling if that seems like it will fly.  Even teenagers who feign indifference need to air their emotions.
  • Don’t be alarmed when jealousy rears its ugly head.  The children can be jealous of their new parent, fearing that this person will replace them in their biological parent’s life.  They also may resent their stepsiblings because each child wants to be the special one.
  • Keep in mind that it’s never too late to repair a damaged relationship, but you need to know what to repair.
  • Make your marriage a priority.
  • Think of the parenting team of which you are a part as an umbrella for the children, and your home as a safe haven.  Be patient, and ultimately you will receive more love than you had before.

 

The main theme for all four of your children is about loss and change beyond their control.  Divorce is difficult for kids or any age.  It’s important for you to be aware of the fact that with such a wide range of developmental ages—8 to 13—the understanding and perception each child has of the situation will be different based on their developmental age.  Here’s where a skilled family therapist can help you tailor your approach to each child’s level of understanding.

Remember that each parent must take joint responsibility in the tough jobs.  Often, dads in this situation wants the new ‘mom’ to take over emotional “stuff.”  Be aware that divorce causes a lot of rage, and because kids are often unable to express their anger, for no other reason than convenience, you may be a likely target for their anger. 

And, Mom, you may want your children’s new dad to take over the discipline but for the same reasons why it won’t work for you to do the work around the emotional adjustment with his kids, he can’t become The Enforcer with yours. Your kids may be acting out because they need help working through the anger they are feeling, too.  Again, family therapy will be helpful for the kids to talk about what does it means that their biological dad is away and they can’t see him.

What the Brady Bunch did show us is that there are a lot of benefits, a lot of fun, and a lot of opportunities in a blended family.  Your new family has the opportunity to create new rules. For some stepfamilies, new traditions can help to overcome the loss of the old ones.  Take time to allow each member of the family a turn airing complaints without interruption.  After identifying their problems, all family members are invited to try to figure out solutions. 

Tough as it may be for you and your husband, your assignment, should you choose it, is to expose all your children to the fact of their young lives that says change always holds the opportunity for growth.

The answer to the many issues you and your husband face, both in your relationship with one another and in the relationships with your own and each other’s children, rests in your willingness to listen attentively, communicate effectively, and to resolve conflicts adaptively.  If, as you say, the kids are experiencing difficulty in learning any of these skills, then your task as their parents is to role model for them.  And, if you and your spouse need help in learning these relationship skills yourselves, then please look in the phone book or call the number at the end of the article to find the family support you need.

 

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families.  Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486;  write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.