Driving Attitude

Dear ParentLine,

Our 16 year old son has recently gotten his driver’s license and has become intolerable. He is constantly reminding my husband and me that there is nothing we can do to stop him from driving. Our insurance company informs us that we must insure him to drive our car. Although with his current attitude, this will never happen. What can we do?

Signed, Need to Curb the Kid in Nashua, NH

Woo-eeeee! Can you hear it? If you can’t ParentLine sure can. Sounds like the Attitude Police siren as they go after Junior! Your son’s cruising way beyond all acceptable limits so far as how he’s acting. Time to pull him over to the curb and get a few things straight. For instance, his statement, “There’s nothing you can do to stop me!?” Since when does a kid think that to drive the family car is a right, not a privilege? What part of “Be rude and demanding and you can walk,” does your son not understand? In case he’s confused, let’s lay things out.

First off, you and your spouse have to agree about your expectations about the way your son has to act in order to be allowed to drive the family car. The two of you have to figure out when—if ever, given his current attitude—the car will be available to him. Are you in agreement about his curfew? Have you talked about your son’s sense of entitlement, where that might have come from, and what you’re going to do to re-arrange his ideas about what will and won’t happen with regard to use of the car?

Bottom line, the car is yours, not his. You need to make that crystal clear for him. If you’ve been wishy-washy up till now, it’s not too late to make your expectations known. Put another way, you’re the keeper of the keys.

You didn’t say otherwise, but ParentLine guesses that you’re paying for maintenance, gas and insurance. As long as you—not your son—are putting out the cash, you call the shots. Get the facts about the cost of insurance. Then, have your son phone the insurance company to get an estimate on how much it’s going to cost for him to be insured to drive. When he comes to you with the figures, ask him how he plans to pay for the insurance he needs to drive your car, along with paying for the gas and his share of the maintenance.

If you haven’t done so before now, it’s time to connect the dots for Junior between consequences and behavior. There’re a number of dandy old phrases to illustrate this point, such as, “You get what you pay for,’ or ‘What goes around comes around,” and “You reap what you sow.” Make it clear to your son that there are consequences for his unpleasant behavior. The faster he gets the connection between how he behaves and the effect it has, the more quickly he’s going to learn about responsibility and outcome. Both of which are important factors as he faces adulthood. It’s perfectly OK to dangle a carrot like the keys to the car, to get Junior to act in a more acceptable manner.

From his book titled, “Keys to Parenting your Teenager,” Don Fontenelle, PhD, says other factors besides age determine a teen’s readiness to drive. “Maturity and responsibility are not time-acquired behaviors; that is, a child does not become mature at 16, 18, or 21, nor does he acquire appropriate responsibility at a specific age. These behaviors are acquired through learning. If your child is not showing an appropriate level of maturity or responsibility for his age, he has not learned them.

Help your son figure out that responsibility generally means doing what you have to do because you have to do it, not because you want to do it. Responsible behavior means doing chores, homework and other tasks. If he’s going to pay his share of the auto expenses, he has to be responsible enough to have a job. A parent may turn a blind eye their kid’s bad attitude, but an employer won’t and you have to help your son figure out that fact of life.

Fontenelle says parents can help their teens learn to be mature and responsible if they will specify the behaviors they expect from their kids. For instance, “You will be able to drive when you do better in school.” Bear in mind that your definition of what this means and what Junior thinks this means are very different. Be very specific and spell out exactly what the child has to do in order to be able to obtain this goal.

With regard to your son’s bad attitude, you can very specifically define the behaviors that you want to eliminate. When your son displays his “intolerable” attitude, you might tell him that each time he doesn’t show this behavior, he gets a point. When he gets ten points, he can drive you to the store. It’s important that you are very clear with him with regard to the connection between his behavior and its consequences.

ParentLine isn’t going to cut Junior any slack, but we do want you to be aware that at his age, the ways he reacts is associated with adolescence and the inner turmoil that he feels. The biological changes he’s undergoing along with the fact that his brain’s wiring is still a work in progress can contribute to problems setting goals, planning, prioritizing, controlling his impulses. The incomplete brain wiring job may contribute to your son’s attitude, his behaviors and even his choices.

Be aware also, that at this stage in his development, your son’s testing his independence and your authority. You may need to talk to him about mutual trust and what it means to you and to him. This is also an important time to state your expectations about drinking and driving. Check the Mothers Against Drunk Driving website for helpful information. Most important of all, stick to your guns so far as what you hold to be reasonable and responsible behavior.

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families. Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486; write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.