Holidays post Divorce

Dear ParentLine,

My wife and I are divorced, and now with the holidays coming, we will be celebrating in separate households. Our son (age 5) and daughter (age 9) will be going from house to house and spending time with each of our new significant others. They don’t like the idea of mom and dad being apart and are very obvious in their disdain toward our new partners. Any ideas on how we can make this a comfortable and joyous occasion for all of us?

Signed, Father Fantasy in a far-off town

Holidays can be stressful for even the happiest of families. Sure, ‘tis the season and all that jazz, but more often than not, holidays mean many of us feel pulled in all directions by our partner, our children, other family members, and our friends. Added to generic holiday stress, if your kids show “obvious disdain” for Mom and Dad’s new significant others and are getting away with this behavior, you’re in for anything BUT a comfortable and joyous holiday.

Keep in mind the fact that blood is thicker than water. No matter how much you think you love that new person in your life, your kids are an integral part of your life. This isn’t to say that the kids’ opinions or behavior should cause you to stop seeing your new significant others. However, you must find the cause for their “disdain.” Barring the fact that the kids may have legitimate reasons to see the new person as the Wicked Step-Partner (in which case your continued relationship will cause them harm), both you and your ex-wife need to listen to the children, hear their concerns, and if justified, you will need to adjust your choice of partners.

However, if the kids are grieving the death of their parent’s marriage, you both need to figure out how to help them work through this huge loss in their young lives.

Remember, there are no ex-parents...only ex-spouses. To help you figure out how to arrive at your desired--but perhaps, romanticized—holiday goal of Ma in her kerchief, Pa in his cap and the kiddies nestled all snug in their beds with visions of sugar plums dancing wherever, ParentLine has some questions for you.

How have you and your ex-wife handled discussions with your children about Dad and Mom’s new lives, post-divorce? What are the custody and holiday arrangements for the children? What is the nature of your relationship—amicable or antagonistic--with your ex-wife? How long have you lived apart? How long have you lived with someone else? Have the kids had time to meet your significant others? Are these “others” going to be in your lives, long-term and how have you talked to the kids about their potential new step-parents? Your careful thought and open communication about these issues will have bearing on not only the success of your holidays but also the relationships you, your ex-wife, and the significant others have with your children.

Unfortunately, you are not alone and, sadly, the situation your children face is not unique. Recent U.S. Census Bureau statistics state that one out of two marriages ends in divorce, that 60% of second marriages fail, and that 66% of marriages and living together situations end in break up, when children are involved. It is predicted that 50% of children in the U.S. will go through a divorce in the family before they are 18.

Beverly Bliss, PhD, clinical psychologist, in an article titled, “Step Families” from Parenthood in America, cites research that says that about half of the 60 million children under the age of thirteen in this country are currently living with one biological parent and that parent’s current partner. Nearly half of all women, not just mothers, are likely to live in a stepfamily relationship.

“We have become a nation of “step-relating” individuals,” Bliss observes.

In this same article, Elizabeth Carter, ACSW, Family Institute of Westchester, states, “Our culture provides no guidelines…it is our experience that this is one of the most difficult transitions for families to negotiate. Our cultural forms, rituals, and assumptions still relate chiefly to the intact, first marriage family, and the most ordinary event, such as filling out a form or celebrating a holiday, can become a source of acute embarrassment or discomfort for members of remarried families.”

Where this news is hardly comforting, ParentLine advises you to be aware that no matter how angry and upset your children are over the fact that you and their mom have split up, they need to know that neither you nor their mom are going away and that you are “there” for them. By the same token, Santa takes a dim view of little boys and girls who play on Mom and Dad’s guilt about the divorce. The next time you see behavior that even faintly resembles “disdain,” ParentLine charges you to cut to the bottom line. Along with all the other reasonable expectations you and their Mom, and the significant others have of your kids, children need to know that they must be respectful of adults.

Dawn Miller, authority on blended families, (www.thestepfamilylife.com), offers the following holiday stress busters that you may find helpful.

Don’t buy gifts out of guilt and avoid overspending. Be realistic about how much money you want to spend for the holidays, avoid running up a large credit card bill, and stick to your plan. Recognize guilt and overspending for what they are and if you feel tempted to splurge excessively, take a 24-hour moratorium from purchasing.
Don’t feel like you have to keep up with everyone else. Pressures come from our own desires to emulate the people we see around us, our own puffed-up expectations about engineering the perfect holiday. Be content with the plans you’ve made and don’t let others make you feel inadequate.
Form realistic expectations. Talk with the kids and your spouse about what should happen. All of the holiday bustle and mayhem can make engineering “the perfect holiday” appear easy. Don’t fall into this trap! Go easy on yourself by forming realistic expectations.
Avoid toxicity—don’t let the unexpected ruin your attitude. Inevitably, something will happen to you this holiday season that’s taxing and unexpected. Don’t let it rattle you. Get through it and move on.
Focus on people having quality experiences and don’t be afraid to establish new traditions. It can be very easy to rush through the holiday season. Find ways to deliberately spend time with your family and build traditions together. Old holiday stand-bys like making ornaments, baking, preparing a meal, or going caroling can help build traditions and a shared family history.
Remember what you value and find ways to connect to it. Identify the touchstones that you value about the holidays and share them with your loved ones. Remember, though, that you are only responsible for offering the values that you hold most dear to others. You are not responsible for their acceptance or rejection of those values.

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families. Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486; write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.