Teen Home Alone

Dear ParentLine,

Our 17-year-old daughter will be out of school for the summer and she’ll be unsupervised by us, her parents, pretty much ALL day, everyday, until we come home from work at 6pm. We want to trust her, and don’t want to baby her, but we really don’t want other kids in the house when we’re not there, and don’t want her wasting her whole summer bumming around at the beach doing nothing constructive and meeting all the older unsavory boys who frequent the boardwalk during these months. She is looking into getting a part-time job but that would only be for about 20 hours a week. The rest of the time, she’s on her own. How can we protect her and still give her freedom WHILE we’re at our day jobs?

Signed, Mom and Dad at Work in Dover, NH

The two little words “Home Alone” are enough to cause most parents to shake, rattle, and roll, never mind what happens when this is a conscious choice, as it is in your case. Sure, you and your daughter have been working toward this very time for years now, but that doesn’t make this situation any easier! To leave a teen alone or not calls for careful consideration, planning and preparation on your part and a commitment to winning your trust from her.

Over the years from when she was a toddler to now, ParentLine hopes you have offered your daughter many opportunities to be trust-worthy. At this point in time, she ought to have a pretty good understanding about your expectations when it comes to what constitutes responsible behavior. If either of you have any questions about how these behaviors are developed, read on.

In an article titled Techniques to Develop Trust and Responsible Behaviors in Teens from his book titled Keys to Parenting Your Teenage, author Don Fontenelle (http://life.familyeducation.com) offers the following to help you structure the conversation you have with your daughter about what it means to be left on her own.

Define the rule and the consequence. You must tell your teen what you expect, but more important than the rule is what will happen if she complies with your request and what will happen if she doesn’t. Spell out rules and consequences at the same time. Put the responsibility onto the adolescent’s shoulders. If good things happen to her, it is up to her. If bad things happen, it is also up to her.
Tie all consequences to the child’s behavior. Not only do you spell out disciplinary measures ahead of time, but you also try to relate all consequences to their behavior. Put her in control of the consequences of her actions—good or bad.
Avoid assuming responsibility. You should not assume responsibility for the teen or her behavior. Make her responsible.
Make the consequences different for positive and negative behaviors.
Model responsible behaviors. Parents are powerful models for their children. They learn both good and bad behaviors from watching you and seeing how you solve problems, deal with certain situations, or interact with people.
Assign chores. A large majority of parents feel that the performance of chores or duties around the house is a big part of developing responsibility. When assigning tasks, you must state not only what you expect, but also what the consequences of failure to do the chores will be.

Be clear about any “special” rules for when you’re away. Go over everything from boys to beach and boardwalk! Do not, repeat—do not—leave any room for interpretation on her part until such time as she proves to you that she is able to make good decisions. Think about some of the following special rules from the experts at the Nemours Foundation (www.kidshealth.org) that might apply to your situation:

Rooms of the house that are off limits, especially with friends.
TV time and types of shows.
Internet and computer rules.
Kitchen and cooking.
Opening the door for strangers.
Answering the phone.
Not telling anyone she is alone.

This “Home Alone Exercise” is really a great learning opportunity for your daughter, if she chooses to see it in this light. Once school’s out and you folks leave for work each day, your daughter will have the responsibility to create her own structure in order to achieve the expectations you establish together.

It may be helpful to engage another adult—a neighbor or grandparent, someone you both agree upon—to check in on her and to whom she can turn, should difficulties arise. Also, you may want to see if she can get more than just one part time job. Is there a neighbor or friend who needs a babysitter? Or what about a local summer camp that offers a counselor-in-training program? How about courses through the local summer school or recreation program that might provide certification she can use next summer when she might have a full-time job?

ParentLine found further useful information on the website, http://teenadvice.about.com. Here are some things a teen needs to about trust. Take the time to go through this list with your daughter.

Trust is a two way street: you get it if you give it.
Parents will usually give trust freely until you do something to break it.
Sometimes people don’t trust you because of the actions of a person close to you.
Sometimes trust has to be earned.
In order to fix broken trust both sides have to want the trust back.
Your parents want to trust you! What you see as mistrust of you could really be fear, mistrust of those around you and/or their natural protective instincts at work.
Some people have been so badly hurt in the past that they have a great difficulty trusting others.
Trust is an essential part of ALL successful relationships be they academic, romantic, friendly or familial.
Trust is a gift – it should never be taken for granted.

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families. Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486; write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.