ParentLine

Dear ParentLine,

Our six year old daughter is very indecisive.  She will say she wants something one minute and then the next, doesn’t.  Sometimes, this gets really impractical AND costly, not to mention, frustrating.  We want to please her and give her choices, but don’t understand why she seems so happy to make a choice and then, upset with her decision.  Please help. 

Signed, What Do you WANT! In Weare, NH

 

Take comfort. Unbelievable as it may seem, Donald Trump didn’t spring from the womb with his legendary decision-making skills intact.  Your daughter, just like The Donald once did, has to start somewhere.  At six, your daughter’s decision of the day may be limited to chocolate or strawberry, Fruit Loops or granola. 

However, in another few years, both her decisions and their consequences will become larger and sometimes, more difficult.  Will she choose to do her homework or to watch a movie?  Will she choose Prince Charming or the toad?  With a little patience, a healthy sense of humor, and the right perspective on this situation, you can help your daughter learn how to make good choices and decisions.

   

Susan Swanwick, LICSW, family therapist with Child and Family Services says, “Parents can help by allowing the child to feel the results of their choice, despite the fact that it can be hard to see their child’s disappointment and frustration.  At around the same age as this child, my daughter wanted to sell some of her things at a family yard sale.  As the person who bought her things left, my daughter told me that she had sold her very favorite toy (of all her toys, it was my favorite as well).  I wanted to cry, too.  I still think of that incident and wish I could have prevented her sad and disappointed feelings, but I couldn’t.  As parents, we need to allow our children to feel the consequences of their decisions, to comfort them when they need it, and to applaud them when they make successful choices.”

Author KJ Dell’Antonia in an article for Parenting Magazine titled, Why Your Child is Indecisive, agrees with Swanwick.  At this age, while your daughter may relish the opportunity to make a decision, she doesn’t yet have the ability to think things through so far as the consequences of her choice.  Dell’Antonia offers the following ways in which you can help your child make a choice and stick with it.

Give her a heads-up.  Explain that she can have only one, and when it will be too late to trade.  “Once he scoops it, you can’t choose another flavor.”  Narrow the field.  Too many options are overwhelming.  Point out two or three of her best choices.

Deal with disappointment head-on.  Be sympathetic but matter-of-fact.  “I’m sorry you’re not happy with the book you picked today.  You can get a different one next time we go to the library.”

Give her a second chance sometimes.   Choices are hard, and everybody needs a do-over once in a while.  If all her changed mind means is an extra cup in the dishwasher, just remind her that this is really it, and let the struggle go until next time.

OK, so what was the recipe The Donald’s mom may have used to build his later-life lightening-strike ability to announce “You’re fired!” with such breath-taking confidence, clarity and aplomb?

ParentLine found what appears to be a pretty good and easy-to-remember method at the Cute Kid website (www.cutekid.com), in an article titled Helping Kids Make Decision.  Staff writer Teresa writes, “One decision making process that you can teach your child uses the acronym SODAS which stands for Situation, Options, Disadvantages, Advantages, and Solutions. This decision making process will teach your child to reason out a situation and evaluate the advantages and disadvantages before making a decision.”  Here are steps the Cute Kids experts suggest.

Step One: “Identify the situation.  Help your child to identify exactly the decision that has to be made.  “State the situation in simple and specific terms.  Girls and Boys Town tells parents that they need to help their child focus on the entire situation, not just part of it.  Answer the who, what, where, when and why questions.  Help the child focus on the facts and try not to get too emotional because emotion clouds judgment.”

Step Two:  “List all of the options.  What are the choices that your child has?  Most situations have more than one option, although your child may think he only has one.  Have your child list three or four of both good and bad options.  Suggest options if your child can’t think of any on his own.”

Step Three: “List all the advantages and disadvantages of each option given above.  The idea is to help your child see the consequences both good and bad that will follow the choice.  Ask your child questions to help then see the positive and negative things about each choice, such as why an option might work or fail.”

Step Four:  “Choose a solution.  Let your child make the final choice about what option she things will be the best.  If possible, allow your child some time to think about the decision before making it.”

Finally, please be reminded that your child might not always make the choice you want him to and that this is part of his learning process.  Cute Kids experts also urge parents to be supportive and empathetic if your child fails and then go back to the SODAS recipe and help him practice making yet another choice.

ParentLine encourages you to help your daughter find the blend of choices and consequences that’s right for her.  Of course, she will make mistakes along the way.  We all do. The secret is to help her figure out where she made an error in judgment without being critical of her process.  Difficult as it is to believe as you watch her waver over choices at age six, your job is to prepare  her--one choice at a time--to be a self-sufficient, responsible, accountable-for-her-own-actions young adult.

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families.  Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486;  write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.