ParentLine

Dear ParentLine:

My neighbor’s kids were visiting the other day and I was amazed at how rude and bratty they were. When they left, I noticed their behavior had rubbed off on my kids. When I mentioned this to my neighbor, she got very defensive. I don’t want my kids to learn this behavior but I don’t want to cause problems with this neighbor. What should I do?

Every family has different rules about behavior. Obviously, your neighbor's attitude is very different from your own. Explain to your children that their friends may be allowed to behave as they did, but that your family does not behave that way. Give them specific examples of the behavior that you found unacceptable.

There are many reasons children should learn to behave well and follow certain rules of etiquette. Children who don't behave well are often disliked by others, whereas polite well-behaved children are often admired and praised. This helps them feel good about themselves and encourages good behavior.

But good manners go beyond the basic "please" and "thank yous." Children should learn to treat other people and property with respect. The "social graces" also include thoughtfulness and consideration for others.

Manners can not be taught in a day. As soon as little ones are able to understand, they should begin learning. Interrupting while someone else is talking, loud belching and other offensive noises should be discouraged early on. Children learn by example whether from you, other adults, or playmates. Speak with respect to your children - including "please," "thank you" and "you're welcome." If they hear these amenities often, using them will come naturally.

It takes time, and consistency is important. Just telling your children once probably isn't enough. When they interrupt, they need to be stopped every time. Try including them in your conversation so they won't feel such a strong need to interrupt.

Try to catch them behaving well instead of always criticizing their bad behavior. And be discreet when you correct them around others. If you embarrass them, they may become anxious. Use gentle reminders to help them say thank you when they receive a compliment or when a friend has invited them over.

Always insist on thank you notes to acknowledge a gift. Even toddlers can apply stickers to a card; preschoolers can add a drawing; and older kids can compose their own notes and sign their name. Consider requiring that a thank you note be written before the gift is used.

Table manners may be a little tricky to teach these days. Sitting down to the "family meal" isn't as common as it used to be. Fast food (usually eaten with the fingers) and eating in front of the TV mean there is little opportunity for talking about and practicing manners. Even still, talking with food in your mouth and playing with food should be on the list of "no-nos."

Phone manners are important and should be learned thoroughly before a child is allowed to answer the phone. How frustrating it is to call someone only to reach a confused youngster. Worse perhaps, is getting an incomplete message from a caller. Children should be taught how to greet the caller, speak loudly enough clearly, and take messages, complete with the name of caller, phone number and the reason for the call.

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