New Dad

Dear ParentLine,

My wife and I are expecting a baby in November. Everything that's happening seems to be "Mommy-oriented." Can you give me some tips to help me and other fathers to bond with their babies and play just as important a role as mothers do?

Congratulations, dear Dad-to-be! You’re correct. Beyond your job up there on the roof waving landing lights to guide the stork’s delivery, there is down-to-earth information and some tips to help you in what may well be the most important J.O.B.—joy of being—of a lifetime.

JoAnn Cobb, LICSW and director of Child and Family Services’ Early Supports and Services program says, “There is a critical role a father can play in their child’s early brain development. One of the most important things a baby needs to stimulate brain development is time with a loving father holding, talking and making eye contact. Spending time with the baby helps them discover the world around them. Things like talking to, reading and singing with a soft voice helps a baby to recognize the father's voice. Babies love to look at faces, so eye contact is very important. Babies will get to know their father's face, touch and smell. Taking over basic baby care is a great way to spend time alone together; changing, bathing, and feeding are opportunities for bonding. It's the little things like spending time together that help with brain development and also to create a special bond between father and baby.”

Your question comes at a good time as Child and Family Services has recently established the Focusing on Fathers group as part of its Circle of Parents program. The group offers dads a place to go to get parenting support, advice and build skills, while developing leadership skills to promote father-conscious environments and father-friendly communities. More information on Focusing on Fathers can be found through the contact information at the end of this article.

Meanwhile, Wayne Parker, author of an article titled, “Bonding with the New Baby,” offers these suggestions:

Don’t try to compete with mom. Your baby’s mom has some natural, built-in advantages in the bonding process. If she is breast-feeding, she gets lots of quality touch and eye-contact with the baby. She also has the benefit of post-partum hormones that give her natural bonding feelings. So don’t try to compete with nature.

Keep in touch. Babies have pretty limited communication skills as an infant. But one meaningful way babies can communicate is through touch. Babies love being skin to skin, so take off your shirt and put the baby on your chest. Massage her gently, caress her arms, legs, hands, and feet. Repeated loving touch will help baby connect with you better and faster.

See eye to eye. One of the things a breast-feeding mom learns is that halding a baby at her breast puts the baby at the perfect location for baby’s vision. Cradle baby in your arms at about chest level, and you’ll be at the right spot for connecting visually. Eye contact helps you build a bond with your little one.

Connect with music. Babies love music, and they find a soothing spirit when dad sings and dances with them. Put some fun music on the sound system and hold baby while you dance. Lullabies can be a real bonding experience also as you sing baby to sleep.

Just jump in. Lots of new dads are a little nervous to get involved in this bonding process. They feel uncertain about what to do and when to do it. New dads who have been there recommend that you just start. Pick up the baby and start following some of these ideas.

Check with the doc. Dads may be tempted to skip those “well baby” visits to the pediatrician. Take the time off work to go with mom and baby to the doctor. This is a good time to learn more about your baby and how he is doing. More information will help you feel closer to the baby.

Become part of the routine. Often, mom tends to be the primary caregiver for your baby. But many things that are part of mom’s and baby’s routine can be taken care of by an interested dad. Consider giving your baby a bath, taking him on a walk, or feeding him from time to time. You’ll give that tired mother a break, and create some new bonding time with the baby.

Be patient through the process. The very nature of the bonding process between baby and father is different and tends to take longer than the process of bonding between baby and mom. Don’t get discouraged as the process develops; the feelings of bonding are worth the wait, and will pay big dividends later.

ParentLine went looking for a little lighter fare to help you stay steady as you cruise into what promises to be one of the greatest adventures of your life. We found David Port’s article, titled, “The Ten Commandments for New Fathers,” and encourage you to keep the sense of humor that will make you one great dad!

Thou shalt protect, positively influence and nurture thy offspring. Babies are vulnerable. They need dads who vigilantly look out for their best interests.

Thou shalt protect, honor, and support thy postpartum partner and thy relationship. The best-equipped dads are those who are on solid ground with the women in their lives.

Thou shall be present in, and savor, the moment. Don’t let the pressing responsibilities of parenthood overshadow the amazing moments and emotions life with a baby can capture.

Thou shalt take pride in thy offspring and in paternity. Do not shy from opportunities to show off thy chip-off-the-old-block.

Thou shalt trust thy instincts. In moments of parental indecision or crisis, it’s often best to go with what your gut tells you.

Thos shalt use level-headed common sense. The challenges of parenthood can test one’s patience. During trying times, let cooler heads prevail.

Thou shalt not fear asking for help and guidance when necessary. Don’t let your pride get in the way of what’s best for the little one. Good advice is out there, from peers, pros, and even your own parents.

Thou shalt exercise healthy skepticism and an ability to discern solid, useful advice and information from suspect. Parenting and child-rearing advice can come at you from all angles. Not all of it is useful and some of it is downright hazardous to the health of your youngster. Consider the source and learn how to filter.

Thou shalt be an involved, engaged parent. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Leave detached parenting to the lesser men.

Thou shalt remain true to thy inner troglodyte. Being a responsible father and partner doesn’t preclude you from continuing to pursue things that make you who you are. A happier, fulfilled man usually makes for a better parent.

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families. Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486; write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.