ParentLine

 

DearParentLine,

Our 17 year old daughter wants to go to a beach party in a couple of weeks where there will be young people from ages 17 to 21.  It is a daytime thing and we know the friends she wants to go with.  BUT, we found out that the 21 year olds are planning to have a keg of beer.  We want to trust our daughter, but really feel that the realities of being at a party on the beach with hormone-driven youth AND alcohol is a dangerous mix!  What is the best way for us to handle this? 

Signed, Fun in the Sun, in Strafford County.

 

No matter how much you trust your kid, the combo of beach, boys and beer is enough to give any parent gray hair in a heartbeat.  ParentLine went straight to the family therapists at Child and Family Services (CFS) to get the skinny on how to help you help your daughter protect herself in this situation.

Susan Swanwick, LICSW and CFS family therapist says, “Your daughter is fast approaching college years and the temptations that go along with that experience.  This situation can be seen as a preview.  Have a serious talk with your daughter about how she envisions the day at the beach with kids who are older.  Ask her about the situations that could come up that she may not be aware of.  By helping her think out loud about what she would do “if,” may reduce or increase your anxiety.”

Here are some questions Swanwick suggests you ask yourself and your daughter as you work toward a decision as to whether or not she should attend the event. Does she have access to a cell phone so that she can call you if needed?  Will you be available to get her if she determines that the situation is getting out of control for her?   Do you want to call her at a pre-arranged time so that you can hear the background noise as well as your daughter’s voice, and determine what your next step will be?   Is public drinking allowed on the beach?   Will there be people around at the beach who would report things to the police that might be considered inappropriate?

In the end, Swanwick says, “Trust your gut. You may trust your daughter but not the drinking young adults.  Learning more about what your daughter’s and her friends’ expectations are will be helpful.”

In an article titled, “Make a Difference: Talk to Your Child About Alcohol,” found at www.collegedrinkingprevention.gov, the experts at the National on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) state that kids who drink are more likely to be victims of violent crime, to be involved in alcohol related traffic crashes, and to have serious school-related problems.  Be aware that you have more influence on your child’s values and decisions about drinking before they use alcohol.  Also, parents can have a major impact on their children’s potential for drinking, especially during the pre-teen years.

Even though kids this age may think they already know everything, myths and misinformation are abound.  Here are some important facts from NIAAA you might want to share with your daughter:

  • Alcohol is a powerful drug that slows down the body and mind.  It impairs coordination time, impairs vision, clear thinking, and judgment.
  • Beer and wine are not “safer: than hard liquor.  A 12-ounce can of beer, a 5-ounce glass or wine and 1/5 ounces of hard liquor all contain the same amount of alcohol and have the same effects on body and mind.
  • On average, it takes two to three hours for a single drink to leave a person’s system, nothing speeds this process, including drinking coffee, taking a cold shower, or “walking it off.”
  • People tend to be very bad at judging how seriously alcohol has affected them.  That means individuals who drive after drinking think they can control a car—but actually cannot.
  • Anyone can develop a serious alcohol problem, including a teenager.

When it comes to kids and alcohol, the NIAAA experts say, ‘The bottom line is a strong parent-child relationship.  Research shows that teens are more likely to avoid drinking when they feel they have a close, supportive tie with a parent or guardian.”  Here are some ways to build a strong, supportive bond with your child:

  • Establish open communication.  Make it easy for your teen to talk honestly with you.
  • Show you care.  Even though teens may not always show it, they still need to feel they are important to their parents.  Make it a point to regularly spend one-on-one time with your teen when you can give him or her your loving, undivided attention.
  • Draw the line (in this case, in the sand).  Set clear, realistic expectations for your child’s behavior.  Establish appropriate consequences for breaking rules and consistently enforce them.
  • Offer acceptance.   Make sure your teen knows that you appreciate his or her efforts and accomplishments.  Avoid hurtful teasing or criticism.
  • Understand that your child is growing up.  This doesn’t mean a hands-off attitude about your child’s behavior but rather, make an effort to respect his or her growing need for independence and privacy.

The folks at NIAAA offer these prevention strategies for parents:

  • Develop family rules about teen drinking.  Some of these might be that kids will not drink alcohol until they are 21.  Older siblings will not encourage younger brothers or sisters to drink and will not give them alcohol.  Kids will not stay at teen parties where alcohol is served.  Kids will not ride in a car with a driver who has been drinking.
  • Set a good example.  Use alcohol moderately, if at all.  Don’t communicate to your child that alcohol is a good way to handle problems.  Let your child see that you have other, healthier ways to cope with stress.  Don’t tell your kids stories about your own drinking in a way that conveys the message that drinking is funny or glamorous.  Never drink and drive or ride in a car with a driver who has been drinking.  And, finally, when you entertain other adults, serve alcohol-free beverages and plenty of food.  If a guest does drink too much at your party, make arrangements for them to get home safely.

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families.  Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486;  write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.