Pregnant Teen

Dear ParentLine,

My 15-yr-old daughter just told me she’s five months pregnant. At first, I was shocked, now I’m angry. I don’t know what to do. Please help.

Signed, Beside Myself in Bedford, NH

Shock and anger sound like honest and normal reactions when the pregnant teen isn’t the star of the recent movie “Juno” but is, instead, your own daughter. What other response can a mom have when she learns that her not-yet-grown-up child is having a child? You know how hard it is to be a parent even when all the support systems are in place to do the job. Having a baby ought to be a happy event, right? Instead, the range of emotions you feel right now are anything but happy and may also include grief, disappointment, guilt, embarrassment, and worry about the future. It’s OK to have all these feelings right now.

Experts at the Child and Family Services and the Nemours Foundation advise you to recognize your feelings and work through them so that you’ll be in a position to accept and help your daughter. If you’re having trouble dealing with what’s happening and need help to cope with the situation, talk to someone you trust or seek professional counseling. A neutral third party can be a great help at a time like this.

Be honest with your daughter about how you feel. It’s OK to admit that you’re confused about what to do. No matter how you feel, you must reassure your daughter that you will work with her to come up with the best solution for her and the baby. Express your support and love for her but let her know that she must make the final decision about the outcome of the pregnancy herself.

Along with the hard lesson that her actions have consequences, your daughter is probably on her own emotional rollercoaster. In an article titled, “Behind the Scenes of a Teen Pregnancy,” the folks at Focus on the Family say that the following may contribute to your daughter’s experience:

Fear is an overriding emotion in nearly every teen pregnancy. The adolescent with a crisis pregnancy probably sees nothing but loss on the horizon—loss of love, time, education and physical health.

Denial is common, especially during the early weeks of pregnancy when the only indication might be one or more missed periods, a little fatigue, possibly some nausea or even a positive pregnancy test.

Ambivalence about being pregnant may cause fluctuating emotions.

Guilt.

Pressure to have an abortion.

You and your daughter—and again, please seek help from a qualified professional such as a family therapist, social worker, or an objective pregnancy counselor—must discuss all of her options openly and frankly. You are within your rights to express an opinion about certain choices since this is how we teach values to our children. At the same time, you must be prepared to accept whatever decision she makes, even if it goes against your values.

Most teens—about 95% of those remaining pregnant—decide to parent the baby themselves. This creates many uncertainties for the family such as where the mother and child will live, who will care for the child, if the teen is responsible enough to parent and whether the teen can continue her education. If at all possible, it’s best for teens who are pregnant to finish school so they can get better jobs and create a better life for themselves and their babies.

Being a mom and a student are tough jobs to do at the same time. 60% to 70% of all pregnant teens drop out of school. Going back after quitting is really difficult, so try to offer your teen the support she needs to stay in school. Check into school and community programs that provide special programs for teen moms, such as child care, rides or tutoring. Also, contact Child and Family Services to find out about a specialty Transitional Living Program that provides housing and supportive services for young women who are pregnant and parenting.

While your daughter faces the decisions she must make, you have to get clear about the role you intend to take in her child’s upbringing. If your daughter is very young, the experts at Focus in the Family suggest that you may see another parenting job on your horizon and may resent the idea. Or, you may be excited about having another child around for the next several years. You need to sift through your feelings on this issue and you must plan your course of action accordingly.

Be sure to give ample consideration to adoption as an option. The following questionnaire is provided by the National Alliance for Optional Parenthood and is taken from a resource for others in your situation titled Pregnant Too Soon: Adoption Is An Option, by Jeanne Warren Lindsay. The author wrote this book for young women who find themselves pregnant, who are thinking about adoption, and who want to learn how others in the same situation feel, especially to hear both sides of the story; a comparison of the feelings of those who gave their babies up for adoption and people who kept their babies.

Lindsay offers the following questions that are designed to raise ideas that your daughter may not have thought about. There are no ‘right’ answers and no ‘grades’ – her answers are ‘right’ for her and may help her decide for herself whether or not she wants to be a parent.

Does having and raising a child fit the lifestyle I want?
What’s in it for me?
Raising a child? What’s there to know?
Have my partner and I really talked about becoming parents?
Which one of these questions do we need to really discuss before making a decision?

Children need not only love, but also emotional security, financial stability and discipline with, if possible, two loving parents to guide them through life. Adoption is a way to give a child a family if the young mom is unable to provide what her baby needs. It’s also a way for a couple that is unable to have children to have a family. It can be a wonderful choice for all involved – your daughter can be sure her child is in a healthy happy home and she can continue to grow and develop her independence; the adoptive couple can have the family they have dreamed of; and your daughter’s child can have loving parents who are ready for parenthood.

Reflecting on the way the movie“Juno,” ended, Julie Daniels, pregnancy counselor with Child and Family Services suggests, “It would have been nice to show Juno receiving a letter and pictures from the adoptive family a year later. Though sad, birthmothers are comforted in knowing their baby is healthy and happy and that they made a good decision.”

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families. Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486; write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.