ParentLine

 

Dear ParentLine,

We’re losing it.  We’ve already lost it.  We’ve hit our daughter, 16, and come very close to throwing her out of the house.  She back-talks, disrespects us, steals our money, brings home boys, messes up the house and makes us worry all the time.  We are hurting for money and can barely stay afloat, so this is pushing us to our limits.  Are there people who can come to our house to help us here?  Should we get the courts involved?  What can we do?

  

Signed Hi-Pressure in Hillsborough County, NH

 

Sometimes, actions speak louder than words.  Keep in mind that your kid acts out to get your attention.  This is because she doesn’t know any other way to get what she really wants or needs.  In the situation you describe, it appears that your daughter’s got the volume turned up full blast and you have finally heard her pleas!  Stop for a moment and see if you can figure out what she’s trying to tell you.  As you do, try to see past the violation of boundaries your daughter now demands that you set. 

 

It’s a known fact that weeds are always easier to pull when they’re tiny. In the same way an untended garden can become a tangle, you must recognize that your family’s problems have developed over time. When parents fail to set or a child resists consequences for bad behavior, what feels like a war zone is the result. Right now, your daughter’s got a good gig going and unless something changes, nothing will change.  You, as parents must change your behaviors if you want your daughter to change hers.  Until you take steps to create a new set of House Rules, both your family and child are at risk. 

 

Where the bad news is that you hit your child, the good news is that you see this as a wake up call.  No matter how frustrated or angry you are, it is not acceptable to hit a child.  According to a study on child abuse and neglect prepared for the US Department of Health and Human Services, the potential for escalation shows up in the fact that 12-to 14-year-olds are victims of physical abuse—commonly defined as punishment that leaves marks—at twice the rate of toddlers. 

 

Laura Sessions Stepp, author of an article titled, When Parents Hit Their Teenagers, states that research bears out a strong correlation between hitting teens and increased misbehavior.  Physical force denies the adolescent the opportunity to use their own reasoning and forge their own standards of behavior.  In effect, if you strike your child, you teach her this is OK to do.  Though it will take some creativity on your part, ParentLine assures you that there are lots better ways to get your daughter’s attention.

 

Stepp says, “Therapists and youth workers say there are several ways to provide opportunities for growth while redirecting the adolescent away from problem behavior.  The first is to ask the young person to help set rules for behavior, and consequences for misbehavior, long before potentially troubled situations occur.”

 

Here are some “Dos” and “Don’ts” of parent-teen communication from the National Clearinghouse on Family Violence:

    • Don’t argue with the way your teen sees things.  Instead, state your case and speak from that.  “I have a different opinion,”  “This is what I believe,” and “This is the way I see it.”
    • Don’t talk down to your teenager.  Don’t lecture or preach.
    • Don’t set limits you can’t enforce.
    • Do focus on the behavior, not the person.
    • Do think ahead to what you will say and how you will say it.
    • Do keep your messages clear and concise.
  • Do stick to one issue at a time.

 

According to Gary Direnfeld in an article titled, Out of Control Pseudo-mature Teens, “When parents try to curtain certain behaviors in favor of redirecting their child to more appropriate behavior, they need support.  The purpose of support is to help mitigate risk and help parents stay the course even in view of escalation in behavior as the teen protests.”

 

There are many community supports available to parents whose teens are out of control.  Call Child and Family Services to find out about home-based family support services, family counseling and therapy, and programs that could be tailored to your daughter’s specific needs. You can also call the NH Department of Children, Youth and Families (DCYF) toll free at 1-800-894-5533.  An intake operator will connect you to a district office, which can help you access family mediators and/or other local community agencies or programs.

 

You may also consider speaking with the local juvenile service officer in your police department to see what options are available to your family.  Many towns in the state have designated staff that is expert in handling problem situations with out-of-control teens.  These officers can connect you to the Juvenile Intake, Assessment, and Diversion Office within your county.  This county officer can explain the CHINS (Child in Need of Services) petition to you and will attempt to do a diversion with the child.

 

The CHINS Diversion Program is accessed through referral by local police departments, schools, parents, and other service agencies.  The caseworker will then contact the family for an initial interview.  The goal of the interview is to begin to identify the services and resources available to assist the family in their current situation.  If the need for case management services is determined, a meeting will be arranged to assess the issues and develop a service plan.  Case management will require active participation and on-going compliance with the service plan for a period of approximately three months.

 

Be aware that for there to be effective change to take place, all family members have to be involved in the process.  If the CHINS matter can be resolved through your family’s involvement and participation with the CHINS Diversion Program, the case will close without an appearance before a judge or the youth having acquired a court record.

 

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families.  Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486;  write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.