ParentLine

Dear ParentLine,

Our son is turning 13 and we are noticing the signs of puberty.  My husband and I remember those days of pimples and growth spurts, sprouting breasts and spotty facial hair, changing voices and all the awkwardness that goes along with this stage of life.  Is there any way that we can help him through this time of change?  We understand how puberty involves a series of biological or physical transformations, but the harder part is understanding the emotions and social changes.  Please advise. 

Signed, Awkward in Allenstown, NH.

 

Hooray! Parents who remember the pangs of their own puberty stand a good chance of weathering the hormonal hurricane headed their way. You also get points for empathy. The fact that you survived says that your son will, too, though you may have your doubts in coming days.   So--how’s your sense of humor?  Not only will that most useful of all parental attributes be called to duty, but you’ll need to be flexible, creative, and resilient to get Junior across the finish line of the race you’re about to enter.

A good place to start is by reading some books—either serious or comical—that are age-appropriate for your son. You can read them together or not, depending on what’s most comfortable for him. There’s a lot of good information on puberty available for parents to share with their children with “share” being the operative word here.  This is also the time to share stories with him about your own experiences with the awkwardness he’s starting to feel.  You might share something that your own parents said or did that was useful, or not.

Now, more than at any time in your child’s life, is when you must keep the lines of communication open.  How does your son usually communicate with you?  When you talk with him, try to talk with him about what you’re seeing in him about his growing and bodily changes in a way you think he can hear.  Having a “scientific” talk with someone who has difficulty listening for longer than two minutes may not work very well!  You want to talk to him in such a way so that he can listen to you.  In turn, you must listen to him in a way so that your son will find it easy, or at least possible to talk to you.

Granted, none of the topics you’ll be discussing in coming days are easy.  Think of it this way.  If you don’t talk to your son, someone else whose values are different from yours, or who might be less well-informed, will do the job for you.  Bite the bullet.  Be honest, and if you don’t know the answer to a question that he asks, tell him you’ll find the answer and get back to him.  And, please, remember how hard it was for you to talk with your parents about stuff like sex and body changes!

When it comes to tough topics, the three letter “S” word is right at the top of all parents’ least favorite subjects to discuss with their kids.  However, child development experts advise that parents start to talk about sex with their kids at a young age and continue doing so all the way through the child’s adolescence.

According to Dr. Sharon Maxwell, clinical psychologist, in an article titled, Helping Parents Raise Healthy and Responsible Kids, puberty is a window of opportunity for parents and teachers to introduce the possibilities and responsibilities of becoming an adult.  This is a time when kids still want to hear what parents have to say.  Maxwell suggests this is an excellent time to dialog about sexual ethics and personal integrity.

In an article titled All About Puberty, the experts at the Nemours Foundation advise that parents help kids understand that not only will the flood of hormones they experience during puberty change the way their bodies look on the outside, they also create changes on the inside.  During puberty, a child might feel confused or have strong emotions that they’ve never had before.  Or, they might feel overly sensitive or become upset easily.  Some kids lose their tempers more often and get angry with their friends or families.  The folks at Nemours suggest that it can be hard for kids to deal with all these new emotions.  So, help your teen know that while their body is adjusting to the new hormones, so is their mind.

Tara Kuther, PhD, author of an article titled Understanding Puberty and Adolescent Moodiness, says that the experience of puberty can influence adolescent behavior and development in many ways apart from biology. “Puberty prompts changes in how adolescents see themselves.  Shifts in body composition and the development of secondary sex characteristics such as facial hair and breasts can influence teenagers’ self image, which may influence behavior. The changes in appearance that come with puberty also influence how others perceive and behave towards them.  With physical maturation often come expectations for more mature behavior, which may be beyond a teenager’s reach.”

Dr. Kuther suggests that the many transformations that adolescents undergo in their bodies, thinking and reasoning abilities and social capabilities can be difficult for them to handle.  All of the changes influence how others react to them and what others expect from then, and also influence how they think about themselves. “With all these changes, minor fluctuations in mood are entirely normal for no other reason than the multiple adjustments,” she says.

Perhaps the most important piece of advice Dr. Kuther offers is that parents need to recognize that, contrary to the popular stereotype, a long lasting depressed mood is not a normal part of adolescence.  A depressed mood that lasts for two weeks or more may signify that a teen is experiencing difficulties and is in need of outside help.  Call your family physician or the number listed at the end of this article for help.

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families.  Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486;  write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.