ParentLine

Dear ParentLine: 

Our son, two-years old, is a pushover.  He always lets other kids take his toys, push him around, drink from his juice box, and more.  We like that he is mild-mannered but it seems that he is so mild-mannered that he’s letting himself be bullied and/or taken advantage of.  What can we do to get him to stay kind and gentle but stand up for himself? 

Signed, Sweet Charlie’s Folks in Sullivan County.

Thank your lucky stars you’ve got a Sweet Charlie and not a baby Attila the Hun!  Besides, it’s a whole lot easier to teach a child to be assertive than it is to re-program one who’s aggressive.  And, when you’re struggling with this startling concept, it may help to remember that passage, “the meek will inherit the Earth.”

What to do?  Susan Swanwick, LICSW and professional family therapist at Child and Family Services, says, “Be patient.  If your child isn’t distressed with what others are doing, simply continue to be observant.  Take your cue from him.  Kids develop differently.  Maybe your son is learning from you how to be generous.  However, allowing others to drink from his juice box may be something about which you might step in, simply because of the germ angle.

“You can also be aware of what goes on in your home,” Swanwick observes. “For instance, if your spouse takes something that you had, though this is a remote example, explain that you were using it, and that he would need to ask your permission to use it.  As adults, we may be aware of the unspoken between a couple, but your child may need to hear things in order to develop an understanding of negotiation and compromise.”

Denene Miller, writer for Parenting Magazine (www.parenting.com) suggests, “You’re right, no child should take your kid’s toy, and your son will eventually be happiest if he learns to speak up against the Lego snatchers of the world.  But at this age, how he reacts has little to do with what you’re teaching him and all to do with his temperament—which appears to be sweet and non-confrontational.”

Miller adds, “Next time a toy thief strikes, acknowledge what happened: ‘That wasn’t nice of Johnny to take your truck, was it?’ And then, applaud his non-violent reaction while giving him tools for responding in the future: ‘When someone takes your toy, it’s okay to tell him that you don’t like that and to please give it back.’  This approach seems to fit with his personality and it’s the one that we wish every child would choose.”
 

As Miller states, a child’s temperament is one contributing factor to the way in which he develops social skills.  And, as Swanwick points out, so are the environments in which your child spends time. Be aware that the way you encourage your child to act at home may not be what he observes in a day care setting. 

According to a report titled Teaching Prosocial Behaviors to Typically Developing Toddlers (The Journal of Behavioral Education, 7:3, Sept. 97) statistics suggest that toddlers in day care have more toy conflicts, aggression, and peer-inflicted injuries than any other age group.  The research conducted by authors Zanolli, Faden and Cox also shows that toddlers are also capable of turn-taking and affectionate behavior, but exhibit these prosocial behaviors less often than aggression and toy-taking.  “We explored the usefulness and feasibility of contextual and teacher-directed social skills intervention for increasing toddlers’ turn-taking and affectionate behavior to peers.  Results showed that adding tangible consequences, prompts, and praise was the most effective strategy for increasing both turn-taking and affection.  Aggression decreased when affection or turn-taking increased.”

The wise folks the National Association for the Education of Young Children (NAEYC)  affirm that the key to promoting positive interactions among young children is to teach them to assert themselves effectively.  Children who express their feelings and needs while respecting those of others will be neither victims nor aggressors. 

The NAEYC experts advise that adults must show their children that they have the right to make choices—in which toys they play with, or within boundaries, what they wear and what they eat.  The more children trust and value their own feelings, the more likely they will be to resist peer pressure, to respect warm and caring adults, and to be successful in achieving their personal goals.

Because of your son’s age, you are in an in excellent position to teach him assertiveness skills.  As Charlie learns to use words to identify the objects he needs for his safety and comfort, you can also teach him the words and associated social skills he needs for positive interactions with others.

According to NAEYC, here are ways to teach children assertiveness skills:

• Demonstrate assertive behavior such as saying “No” to another child’s unacceptable demands and contrast aggressive or submissive responses through demonstrations.  Let children role-play with puppets or dolls.
• Intervene when interactions seem headed for trouble and suggest ways for children to compromise or to express their feelings in a productive way.
• Teach children to seek help when confronted by the abuse of power (physical or sexual abuse, or other) by other children or adults.
• Remind children to ignore routine teasing by turning their heads or walking away.  Not all provocative behavior must be acknowledged.
• Teach children to ask for things directly and respond directly to each other.  Friendly suggestions are taken more readily than bossy demands.  Teach children to ask nicely, and to respond appropriately to polite requests.
• After conflict between children, ask those involved to replay the scene.  Show children how to resolve problems firmly and fairly.
• Show children how to tell bullies to stop hurtful acts and to stand up for themselves when they are being treated unfairly.
• Encourage children not to give up objects or territory to bullies.  Say, “I’m using this toy now.”  Preventing bullies from getting what they want will discourage aggressive behavior.
• Identify acts of aggression, bossiness, or discrimination for children and teach them not to accept them.  Say, “Girls are allowed to play that, too.”
• Show children the rewards of personal achievement through standing up for themselves, rather than depending on the approval of others solely.

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families.  Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486;  write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.