ParentLine

Dear ParentLine,

Our oldest son, age 12, just told his little brother, age 7, that Santa doesn’t exist.  Of course, we’re upset about that because we wanted the little one’s belief in magic and miracles to last longer, but as it is, he cried and said, “He does too exist!”  I don’t know if we can salvage his faith.  Please help. 

Signed, Secret-no-more-Santa in Southern NH.

 

Seems that number One son is playing Scrooge!  Not only does his behavior put his name at the top of the “Naughty” list (‘cause ruining his little brother’s holiday fun sure wasn’t “Nice”), he also may be the proud recipient of a one big lump of coal in his stocking this year. Poor you.  It’s darned tough to be a parent anytime of year, but the holidays seem to bring out the worst in kids of all ages, right?   Pour yourself some egg nog, grab a cookie and let ParentLine point out a couple of scores you have to settle here.

First off, have a talk with your older child.  Was he angry or upset about something going on in the family?  Did he spill the beans about Santa out of spite or was his brain in neutral as his tongue rattled on?  This is an excellent opportunity for you to run the Parent Tapes on the subject on selfishness and thoughtlessness versus kindness and consideration for others and what it means to stop and think before he speaks.  Granted, there are precious few role models for such behavior in our society but if you don’t teach your son that his actions have consequences, who will?  This is also an excellent time to speak to him about empathy.  Is he aware of how badly he made his little brother feel?  Work with him so that he becomes sensitive to how his actions create an impact on others.   

As for your little guy, ParentLine hopes you gave him a big hug and told him, “Good for you.”  His willingness to believe despite the Grinch’s attempt to steal his Christmas this year says “Yes,” he still wants to believe.  Chris Van Allsburg, author of The Polar Express, says that “believing in Santa is not just a passing phase, but a real necessity for kids in this age.”  Allsburg says that his book was about his own feelings when he was 8 or 9, and though he wasn’t consciously writing about those feelings and beliefs, he ended up writing about a time that did bring him a lot of joy and happiness.  This year, why not start a holiday tradition and read The Polar Express or watch a Christmas chestnut of a movie like The Miracle on 42nd Street or It’s a Wonderful Life or Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus as a family. Use the books and movies to spark discussion about magic and miracles.

The right to believe in magic and miracles—no matter whether its a sleigh pulled through the winter skies by flying reindeer or a star that drew sages bearing frankincense and myrrh to celebrate a birth— is a precious one to be respected by others. Talk to your sons about the importance of tolerance for one another’s beliefs.  Starting within the confines of your own family, can you think of a better gift than this to give your children this year?

What to tell children about Santa (or the tooth fairy, for that matter) is the subject of some discussion.  Bronwyn Fees, associate professor of family studies and human services at Kansas State University says that what parents tell their kids about Santa takes thoughtful consideration.  “It is fairly typical in this American culture to want to know ‘the truth’—to possess a definitive answer to problems of issues,’ Fees said.  “In a complicated world, wouldn’t it be nice to be able to have such an answer? But I do not have the answer for Santa.”  Although Fees says that parent have to decide for themselves how to handle the question of Santa.

Fees adds that she knows of no studies proving that children’s outcomes are related to their belief in Santa.  “I do not know of any evidence that this story about a generous man has caused children to be more or less creative, physically fit, mentally strong or unstable, ready for school, or even, more or less suspicious of strangers,” she said. 

One consideration to keep in mind is that if a parent lies to a child—even in the name of magic and miracles—the child may learn that they can’t trust the parent in the future with important questions.  Shari Kuchenbecker, PhD, a research psychologist and author of Raising Winners, says that when her children were young, she told them Santa Claus was a symbol of loving, giving, and hope.  “I never said Santa Claus was a real person,’ she says, stressing how important it never to lie to a child.  “Always tell the truth as you know it.  That doesn’t mean being explicit beyond what a child wants to know.”

As young children begin to notice the discrepancies believing in Santa brings, by about ages 6-8, most children discover that Santa is not a real person.  Although children might express some disappointment in the discovery, research suggests it is short lived.  Fees suggests that the greatest sadness may be with the parents who no longer get to help perpetuate the magic of Santa.

ParentLine’s opinion is that the mystery, magic and miracles fostered in the heart of a child serve as a sanctuary—a secret well-spring—that we visit when the experiences of our lives as we age threaten to extinguish our spirit.  Just how much wonder and joy those who parent us tuck into our hearts when we are little goes a long way when we are old.

As I write these words, I think back to a time when I was seven and my sister was six.  For weeks before Christmas, “signs” around the house let us know Santa and his elves were present.  First, there was the trail of sooty black prints that surely must have been made by little feet in slippers with pointy toes that led up the wall and disappeared through the mail slot. Who else but one of Santa’s helpers spying on us while we pushed peas around our dinner plates would have left the little red hat with a shiny brass bell sewed to its top right under the dining room table?  And, what about THE CALL that came just as we were leaving to go to church on Christmas Eve?  The booming voice on the other end of the phone wanted to know if we really had been good little girls and if we were ready for Santa to come to our house?

Then, there was Christmas morning and a memory that lives in my heart to this day.  At dawn, we were blasted from the visions of sugar plums dancing round our heads by the sounds of feet stomping and bells ringing on the roof right over our heads.  A huge deep voice sang out, “Merry Christmas to All, HOHOHOHO!”  Santa had come!  And he was really real!

Of course, it wasn’t until years later when I spoke with one of the folks from the old neighborhood that I learned the truth.  “Oh, yes.  We all loved Christmas morning.  Each year we’d place bets as to whether or not this was going to be the year your father fell off the roof when he did his Santa routine.  He never did, though, and somehow, just thinking of him up there in his PJ’s and snow boots with that strap of brass bells making believe for you kids warms my heart even now.”  Oh, Dad, thank you.

Another thought to take with you and to share with your sons through this holiday season is this:  Judging by a recent charity auction held by a local radio station and Child and Family Services, the spirit of Santa as the loving, generous, compassionate being who cares about children…lives in us all.   

From ParentLine’s heart to yours, best wishes for a magical holiday filled with all the peace, comfort and joy from which fondest memories are made.

 

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families.  Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486;  write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.