Back to School Clothing

Dear ParentLine,

It’s back-to-school shopping time and what a difference a year makes! Last year when my daughter was in 6th grade, we’d shop together and make decisions together and go home happy. Now, she wants me to buy her T-shirts that have rude or questionable sayings on them and she wants mini-mini-mini shirts and for goodness’ sake, a push-up bra! She’s only going into 7th grade! I want her to dress comfortably and to be able to express her true personality, but I can’t condone these styles for a girl this age. She swears that she will be rejected by her peers if she can’t wear such things as these and look this way, which is to say, disrespectful and immodest. The fights about this have begun. Not a good intro into a new school year. Please help.

Signed, No Spike Heels in 7th Grade, in Sullivan County.

OK, this is when you teach your daughter about certain four letter words. Sit her down and state how you expect your little “girl” to look as she grows into a young “lady.” Let her know that your family dress code does not include the hottie “babe” or hootchie “slut” look. It’s your job, Mom, to make it crystal clear that where clothes may not make a man, they most definitely define a woman—who she is and what she’s about!

It may well be time to remind ourselves, as a culture, that to encourage young girls to advertise, advocate and celebrate the things that are akin to the world’s second oldest profession does not serve their best interests. Last time ParentLine checked, motherhood--and all it takes to be a good mom—is still in first place.

Here’s the thing. As your daughter’s role model, to the best of your ability, it’s up to you to portray the aspects of being a woman that radiate dignity, self-discipline and respect. When we traded June Cleaver in for a gaggle of Desperate Housewives, we sure sent a skewed message to our daughters.

Yes, your daughter’s job at this age is to develop her individuality. No, you do not have to allow her to jump in line with what looks like a whole nation of pierced, tattooed, tank-topped clones and to follow the unfortunate example of Ms. Spears and her ilk. In fact, this might be a great opportunity to engage your daughter in a dialog about the difference in skill sets used by party girls and those needed by a young woman to get an education and get a life for herself. It’s never too early to talk to your daughter about responsible choices.

Here’s a line of defense for your daughter’s arguments when she wants the push-up trainer bra. “No” is a complete answer. When she pleads, whines, sulks, and threatens to throw herself off the outhouse roof, ask her what part of “No” she doesn’t understand. And WHY do you say NO? This is a good time to teach her that modesty and good taste are always the height of fashion in the kinds of social settings in which you expect her to participate. Play this Parent Tape early and often.

Susan Swanwick, LICSW and family therapist at Child and Family Services, says, “As a parent, you may want to consider volunteering in the school Parent Teacher Organization for a dress code that is modest and appropriate, which may help parents have fewer battles with their kids over their wardrobes. Moms and Dads have to maintain their values and at the same time, listen to what their children are saying. Issues like clothing choices are an excellent opportunity for parents to listen to what their children are saying and in so doing, help the child feel listened to and respected, even if the final answer on certain clothing styles is no.”

You bet you’re up against tough peer pressure in this matter. Statistics on spending patterns suggest that way too many parents abdicate instead of setting limits. Recent research estimates that tweens (kids aged 8-12) spend $36 billion in retail sales annually and influence $200 billion in purchases made by their parents.

A recent Newsweek story by Jennie Yabroff titled, Girls Going Mild(er) indicates a hopeful trend. The author asks us to consider these style tips for girls: skirts and dresses should be no more than four fingers above the knee. No tank tops without a sweater or jacket over them. Choose a bra that has a little sheathing to help conceal when you are cold.

Yarbroff says, “These fashion hints may sound like the prim mandates of a 1950s “health” film. But they are from the website of Pure Fashion, a modeling and etiquette program for teen girls whose goal is to show the public it is possible to be cute, stylish, and modest. It is not the only newfangled outlet for old-school ideas about how girls should dress. ModestApparelUSA.com, ModestByDesign.com and DressModestly.com all advocate a return to styles that leave almost everything to the imagination. They cater to what writer Wendy Shalit claims is a growing movement of ‘girls gone mild’—teens and young women who are rejecting promiscuous ‘bad girl’ roles embodied by Britney Spears, Bratz Dolls and the nameless, shirtless thousands in ‘Girls Gone Wild’ videos.”

Instead, Yarbroff says, “These girls cover up, insist on enforced curfews on college campuses, bring their moms on their dates and pledge to stay virgins until married. And they spread the word. In Pennsylvania, a group of high-school girls “girlcotted” Abercombie & Fitch for selling T-shirts with suggestive slogans (WHO NEEDS BRAINS WHEN YOU HAVE THESE).”

In the face of messages like these from the media and the advertising industry, work with your daughter to help her see understand that instead of being a “trend-follower,” she can be a “trend setter.” Right now is a great time to begin to teach your daughter that to dare to be different takes courage. You might even connect the dots for her by sharing with her how hard it is for you not to be one of the millions of parents who allow their children to dress inappropriately.

The greatest gift you can give your daughter is healthy self-esteem and an unflinching belief that who she is on the inside is way more important that what she’s wearing or who she hangs out with. Again, and to the best of your ability, help your daughter develop a sense of pride in how she presents herself. Help her foster the attributes that will earn her the respect of her peers, other adults, and that will place her in the center of a circle of friends who share her values.

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families. Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486; write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.