Sportsmanship

Dear ParentLine,

Our son is playing football at his school I must say, it’s a rougher sport than I gave it credit for. They are treated as though they are playing in the NFL or something. C’mon, this is HIGH SCHOOL, for crying out loud. My husband and I want to step up and say something about the violence and disciplining and competitiveness and the physical pain that this is bringing on, but our son doesn’t want us to do that because he fears he will appear as the wimpy kid on the team. What do you think?

Signed, Mr. & Mrs. “Sporting” in Southern NH.

To get to the end zone with an answer for you, it may help to look at some of the dynamics involved with youth sports, sports parenting, and coaching. Kids, parents, and coaches each represent a different set of issues with regard to what may or may not be going on here. Let’s start with the reason sports are so important for kids like your son and identify what they hope to gain by participating, even though the going’s tough.

Though it’s not the first reason kids play sports, learning how to be a good sport is a huge life lesson for all of us. Lon Gano-Overway, MS, author of, “Emphasizing Sportsmanship in Youth Sports,” says, “Children learn moral behavior form engaging with others, watching the behaviors of others, and/or being taught ethical behavior. Sportsmanship involves a striving for success, while maintaining a commitment to being fair, honest, and respectful [and] in following the rules—all of which is synonymous with being ethical or moral. In fact, young athletes (10-18 years) identified five dimensions to sportsmanship.

A full commitment to sport participation.
Respect for the rules and officials
Concern for social conventions (such as being a good loser).
Respect for opponents.
Avoidance of the winning-at-all-costs mentality

A reason your son can state for slapping on those shoulder pads is the subject of an article titled “Little League and Varsity Sports Parenting”. Author Daniel Frankl, PhD, says that research shows sport and competition for the vast majority of kids “is a time to feel competent, to have fun, and to be actively engaged.” The research also shows that for young athletes, “winning” is far from being the major reason they play sports and is actually a relatively poor motivator for most junior and senior high school students. The American Youth and Sport Participation study suggests that the path of excellent performance “lies in motivating young people to embrace self-improvement.”

Having fun, sharing experience, improving skills, staying in shape and competing are among the most important benefits that youngsters derive from sport exercises. Ask your son about his reasons for participating in this sport to see which, if any of these motivations are what’s keeping him on the team. You might also ask him if there is another sport that’s a better fit, given his expectations of the experience.

Next is you, his folks, and the issue of sports parenting. Though the outburst of “sports rage” by Thomas Junta that left Lynnfield, MA coach Michael Costin dead is an extreme example, it does exemplify unfortunate behaviors in which a great number of sports parents engage. In their 2003 position paper, the Youth Sport Coalition and Coaches Council offers recommendations on how to encourage appropriate parent behavior.

The paper states that though the primary role of a coach is to develop athletes, coaches must also accept the responsibility for educating the parents of athletes. Parents should learn how best to support their children’s sport participation and the importance of appropriate behavior in the youth sport environment.

The paper suggests that before the start of the season, coaches should hold a formal meeting with the coaching staff, athletes, and involved parents. Topics to be discussed range from coaching philosophy and style and general goals for the team to expectations for athletes and parents and communication procedures. The Council’s recommended code of conduct for parents includes such points as:

Let the coaches do the coaching for all team members.
Support the program. Volunteer to assist the team outside of coaching.
Be your child’s best fan. Positively support your child unconditionally.
Support and root for all team members. Foster teamwork.
Do not bribe or offer incentives.
Encourage your child to talk with the coaches. If your child is having difficulties in practice of games or can’t make a practice, encourage him/her to speak directly to the coaches.
Monitor your child’s stress level at home, as well as eating and sleeping habits.
Keep sport in its proper perspective.
Have fun.

ParentLine recognizes this has been a side-line run to your answer, but before we got to the subject of your question—the coach—we had to address what might be going on with the other players—and your son. An article titled, “Appropriate Coaching for Children’s Sports Teams,” (http://life.familyeducation.com) Jim Thompson, Stanford MBA, sports author, and youth coach, and founder of the Positive Coaching Alliance, talks about his realization that few coaches get any training on motivational and team-building skills; something that may be related to the way your son’s coach is driving the team.

Thompson says, “I was just appalled by what was going on,” he says of his own experiences as a basketball and baseball coach. “Kids were crying, parents yelling, and coaches screaming. In business school, I’d been trained in positive motivational techniques and wasn’t prepared for how unhappy the sports experience was for so many kids and families.”

As a result, Thompson’s group runs workshops for coaches, parents, and youth sports leaders. He suggests that parents consider their answers to the following questions in trying to assess a coach’s behavior.

Ask: Is the coach “honoring the game?” Does he show respect for the rules? How does he respond when an official makes a clearly bad call? Does he demean any player, including those on the opposing team, with comments on or off the field?
Observe: What are kids learning about winning? A good coach, according to Thompson, focuses not only on scoreboard results but also takes a “mastery orientation” in working with a team.
Consider: Is the problem chronic? Thompson teaches coaches to give five compliments for every criticism. “If kids get a ratio of five to one, they’re able to actually hear the criticism and respond to it, rather than be defensive.

Thompson also suggests that parents recognize and honor the coach’s commitment, even if you don’t see eye-to-eye. Remember that the coaches volunteer to spend long hours with kids, for little or no pay. Get to know the coach. Personal rapport established early on makes it easier to discuss problems later. Talk with the coach, not with your child, about any misgivings you have about the coach’s behavior.

Finally, if you feel the need to approach the sports association about the coach’s behavior, proceed with care and caution. Put your comments in the form of a question, such as “I’m concerned (because so-and-so did such-and-such). Is that the kind of coaching this organization wants to allow?” Thompson believes this will encourage an association director to reflect, whereas, demanding a coach’s immediate removal may result in a defensive action.

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families. Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486; write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.