ParentLine

Dear ParentLine,

My husband and I are not in a good place and our three sons are starting to notice.  We are going through a rough period, with one of our sons having medical issues and another having behavioral problems.  I am a professional who needs to work outside of the home to make ends meet and am now in a position of providing most of our income as my husband has difficulty getting a job.  I am trying to hold down the fort here and take care of everything, but the stress is great and the family is cracking.  My husband’s downward spiral is making him bitter toward us, his family, and this is definitely noticed by the kids.  I can’t believe that I’m contemplating divorce, but don’t know how we can survive like this.  Either choice is not good for our boys.  Please help.

Signed, Losing Hope in New Hampshire

The first thing you must do is to stop and take a few deep breaths.   Then, fix yourself a cup of tea, find the most private spot in your house—preferably a room with a view—close the door, and sit still in absolute quiet.  For just a few moments, empty your mind, as in turn off all the “what ifs” and “what’s nexts” that are racing around in there.  In order to get past the shoals on which you and your family seem to be stuck, and as the present captain of the ship, you must find stillness within so you can hear what your heart has to tell you.  Listen carefully and keep an open mind.

You didn’t mention whether or not your husband is aware of his behaviors toward you and the children.  Has he spoken with his doctor about what he’s going through?  Has his eating, sleeping, concentration changed recently?  Telling his doctor what changes he’s experiencing might be helpful.  Talking together about what you are unhappy about, and what some possible solutions could be, might result in positive changes between you and it may also affect the children in a positive way.  As well, talking together as a family about what’s going on within the family may help to identify and validate that your family is stressed.  Together, you may be able to identify small things that may be done to reduce a portion of the stress you are feeling.

The decision to stay in a marriage or end it is a difficult choice.  Marriages, like everything else, go through slumps, and things often get better on their own, with time.  Research cited in the book, The Case for Marriage, by Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher, points out that many who reported that their marriages were at the bottom of the scale on marital satisfaction, when asked again five years later, reported being at the top on marital happiness. When asked what changed, many had no idea!

Most people assume that a person stuck in a bad marriage has two choices: stay married and miserable or get a divorce and become happier.   Bill Chausse, LICSW, of Child and Family Services, however, cites recent research findings that challenge conventional wisdom.  A team of leading family scholars found no evidence that unhappily married adults who divorced were typically any happier than unhappily married people who stayed married.    If you feel there is a shred of hope and you’d like to avoid becoming a statistic—divorce in America happens every 26 seconds—and, if you can convince your husband to join you, then seek help from a professional couples’ therapist.  

Diane Sollee, director of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, says that most marriages don’t break up over big issues, but rather “irreconcilable disappointments.” In other words, two people simply become worn down by layers of resentment and are unaware of the tools that are available to help them.  Eventually, divorce seems like an attractive solution.  However according to Sollee, few suffering couples know about the wide range of excellent and highly successful educational marriage programs now available to equip them with a more realistic view of what to expect in marriage, and provide them with more efficient ways to handle inevitable conflicts and communication problems.

Remember, as you move forward, communication will be key.  If you and your spouse can agree to see your current situation as an opportunity rather than an obstacle, your family can reap valuable benefits.  As you work to resolve our conflicts, you can enhance and strengthen the way your family interacts as well as provide your kids with a skill that will help them in their interpersonal relationships in adulthood. 

The experts at the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, in an article on marital distress (www.therapistlocator.net) suggest that beginning couples therapy is not easy.  The major hurdle for folks who enter therapy is to air marital difficulties and to argue about these issues in front of a stranger.  However, couples who persist, begin to create a process for overcoming their difficulties.  As with any learning curve, it’s hard work at first, but ultimately becomes easier and problems are resolved.

Beyond the choices you and your spouse make with regard to your marriage, you must address what's happening with the kids.  Get appropriate assessments for both the medical and behavioral problems.  Be aware that both may have roots in your marital conflict.  Research on marital stress suggests that the way parents handle everyday conflicts creates a significant impact on how secure their children feel, which significantly affects the child’s future emotional adjustment. E. Mark Cummings, Notre Dame Professor of Psychology, says, “A useful analogy is to think about emotional security as a bridge between and child and the world.  When the marital relationship is functioning well, it serves as a secure base, a structurally sound bridge to support the child’s exploration and relationships with others.  When destructive marital conflict erodes the bridge, children may lack confidence and become hesitant to move forward, or may move forward in a ‘dysregulated’ way, unable to find appropriate footing within themselves or in interaction with others.”

To help you help your children, Frances Glascoe, PhD, suggests that parents should:

• Minimize children’s exposure to parental conflict.
• Attempt to regain composure quickly, seek divorce counseling, family or individual therapy.
• Maintain existing household rules and structure to enhance children’s sense of security and continuity.
• Avoid talking negatively about the other parent to children.
• Take steps to build children’s self-esteem by showing interest in the child and his/her activities, act in a loving manner, express enjoyment in parenting, accept child’s strengths and weaknesses, and treat the child respectfully.

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families.  Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486;  write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.