ParentLine

Dear ParentLine: 

I’m a single mom of a 15 year-old son, who a couple of days ago, informed me that he didn’t want to go to school that day or ever again…that school “sucks,” and that he’s tired of it.  When I told him that I’d be happy to call the truancy officer, he finally went, but every morning we seem to have the same discussion and when I ask him about his homework at night, he stalks off to his room and slams the door.  I’ve already ruled out any kinds of threats to him there.  So, now, what can I do? 

Signed, Now-I-Know-Why-My-Mom-Had-Gray-Hair in a Great American Small Town

 

Your son’s version of the Declaration of Independence sounds more like a symptom than the problem.  Stay cool. Thank him for sharing his intentions.  Tell him he has to go back to school.  It’s the law.  Let him know that to become a dropout is not an option for him.  If you feel up to it, you might add that there are way more cool dudes for him to hang with than the truant officer!

 

ParentLine asked Child and Family Services’ family therapists about red-flag behaviors and got these questions for you to ask yourself to help you figure out what’s going on.   Any one or a combination of these factors might contribute to your son’s attitude toward school.  If you need help, please call the number listed at the end of this article to talk with a professional family therapist.

    • Has your son’s behavior changed recently? 
    • Is he having difficulty getting to sleep and getting up in the morning? 
    • Could he be depressed, experimenting with drugs or alcohol? 
    • Could his schedule be too much for him in terms of balancing schoolwork, after-school work, extra-curricular activities such as sports, dating and/or too many social commitments? 
    • Could he be trying to assert himself by deciding not to go to school? 
    • What is his usual personality in the home? 
    • Is he easy to get along with or is he controlling, domineering and/or oppositional?
  • Have there been any changes in the home make-up such as a death, divorce, an older sibling or other care-taker leaving the home? 

 

Here’s the hard fact about a fifteen-year-old. You can tell your son how important it is for him to get a good education because your adult brain can reason.  Your son’s adolescent brain simply isn’t developed enough to wrap itself around the concept that his life will extend another seventy years.  His brain doesn’t possess the capacity to understand that a decision he makes now will affect him ten years down the pike.

 

For this reason, ParentLine urges you to help your son see the “bigger” picture. The fact that he’s having this conversation says you have time to work with him before he goes over to the Dark Side.  Truancy has long been called “the kindergarten of crime.”  For this reason, you might want to share these sobering facts of “dropout/truant life” that the Sacramento, CA, United School District collected.

    • If middle or high school students are chronically truant they may have their driver’s license delayed or revoked.
    • Under Welfare Reform Laws, the family of a student who has irregular attendance may have monthly assistance payments reduced.
    • A student who is identified as a “habitual truant” shall have his/her work permit revoked if the truancy continues.
  • 62% of children under age six whose parents have not completed high school live in poverty.
    • In 1990, the average high school dropout earned about $492 a month compared with $1,088 for a high school graduate.
    • 90% of new jobs in the 21st century will require some sort of post secondary education. (You might want to discuss with him exactly what types of jobs are left over for drop-outs.)
  • High school dropouts will earn $800,000 less in a lifetime than students who have had some training or education beyond high school.

 

Seek to understand the context of what your son is saying to you when he acts the way he does.  Is stuff going on with his academic abilities and performance?  Might he have a learning disability?  Be aware that the decision to drop out is a process that happens over time.  Beyond the need to feel connected, the reason most of kids drop out of school (in NH, one in twenty high school students drop out), is because they are having trouble keeping up with their peers academically.   

 

Help your son figure out the source of the problem that’s the basis for his desire to drop out.  Your job is to teach him that he can’t avoid problems in life.  If he runs away now, he’ll run away every time something tough turns up. See if, together, you can figure out what’s really bugging him. When you help him face what’s at the bottom of his current behavior, you help him build the confidence and strength of character he’ll need to handle the challenges that are a part of being a grown-up.

 

Teach him to do this the same way you teach him any other basic survival skill – to tie his shoes, to work the microwave, to “Just Say No,” to learn empathy and kindness.  As his mom, you get to teach your child to grapple with the challenges life.  When he experiences failure at something, help him to see that failure contains helpful information.  “You tried something and it didn’t work.  What did you learn?” 

 

Another tactic is to have your son identify the positives in his school situation.  Help him focus on what is good and what he does well.   What teachers does he like?  What subjects does he like?  Is there a course he can take this summer that will teach him resiliency skills?  Maybe, a high-ropes or rock climbing course? 

 

Find out what resources are available to students through your school’s guidance department.  Still another option is tutoring in subjects that may be giving your son difficulties.  No matter how miserable he seems or how much he sulks, he’s testing to see if you’ll “drop-out.”  In any way you can—and with a fifteen-year-old you may have to be pretty creative—let your boy know that you love him and believe in him even though he’s having trouble loving and believing in himself right now.

 

ParentLine is a free and confidential service of Child and Family Services, a statewide, independent, nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing the well-being of children and families.  Call ParentLine, 1-800-640-6486;  write ParentLine, c/o Child and Family Services, P.O. Box 448, Manchester, NH; email parentline@cfsnh.org or visit our website at www.cfsnh.org.